JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure (2000) 03: Shut up, Noriaki

I’m scared, you guys.


Going into this I was expecting that there would be plenty of bad things to riff on as I watched JoJo but instead of being actively bad, it’s turned out to be really boring instead. It’s hard to make fun of that as the episode goes on. There are only so many ways you can say “THIS IS REALLY FUCKING BORING” before you starting becoming boring and repetitive yourself. The actual writing is competent, if a bit sexist, but we knew that there was a good story in here somewhere given the high regard the manga is held in and the actually good adaptation from David Production. Maybe they can come up with something more actively bad than hanging on still shots for far too long. To the episode:

0:39 –  Once again wasting the first three minutes of air time. Side note: the end time for this episode is 32:01 after a run time of 28 mins for the first episode and 30 for the second. I hope this trend doesn’t continue.

4:19 –  Protip: don’t get on a plane when you’re on a mission to stop an evil overlord. It just never ends well.

4:44 – Look at this guy. Plane’s going down and he’s giving zero fucks. Everybody should be more like Kujo

4:51 – I have a theory as to why you’re going down. Maybe it’s because your engine is ON FIRE.

5:17 – I just wanted to tell you both: good luck, we’re all counting on you.

6:42 – Well now that our first grim encounter with an ominous piece of transportation technology is behind us, let’s get on this not at all scary looking boat.

8:59 – The first shot that’s vaguely reminiscent of the manga panel style David Production will sometimes use to great effect. It seems like this version is content to just settle for people doing “things” on screen and letting it speak for itself. The problem is that JoJo’s greatest strength is not the actual events by the style with which it pulls off those events. When you strip out that flamboyant style there isn’t much left.

9:15 – Brilliant observation there, Joe.

9:22 – Shut up captain biology. Nobody asked you. Nerd.

9:47 – GODDAMNIT NORIAKI! Nobody cares about your stupid science-y bullshit. Just shut up already!

10:55 – MORE RIVETING STILL SHOTS! Apparently everybody down at APPP decided that the proper way to build tension was to just drag everything out for as long as possible.

11:10 – That’s really fucking useful there, Noriaki. If I ever need to know a stupid fact about a monkey I’ll ask you. Otherwise, shut your face.

12:02 – And now we’ve got to deal with a stupid frog. I liked this better when it was a ghost ship.

13:02 – Well that isn’t overly contrived or pointless at all. Really not enjoying Frenchie, you guys.

13:46 – Yeah yeah, keep talking instead of actually doing something. God, this is awful.

15:30 – Time for the showdown between a disturbingly muscled chicken and what looks like the mascot of the University of Central Florida. This will of course be thrilling and not filled with unnecessary talking and excessive still shots.

16:29 – We didn’t need you to tell us that Joseph. I can see for myself.

16:48 – Oh, I see. Just do the exact same thing again but this time it works. I’m sure we’ll have an extremely tedious explanation for why though.

17:28 – This is the first time they’ve actually done something vaguely resembling the style that the David Production version has. Still not as good though.


18:48 – Frenchie use Double Team! Can we talk about how awful double team was back in the day? Everybody knew that one asshole who would put double team on all his pokemon and then try to stall you out. Sure, the strategy works but getting your opponent to miss every attack and then grinding out a win after 50 turns benefits nobody. Good luck making friends in college with that strategy, dipshit.

20:19 – Like I said before, excruciating detail. Do the writers think that we won’t be able to appreciate the action if they don’t explain exactly how it happened? Some explanation is probably necessary like pointing out how Avdol used the hole in the ground but these guys going on for about five times as long as they need to for the viewer to get what happened. I don’t see the benefit of all this.

21:48 – Well that’s unfortunate

22:46 – This is pretty funny actually.

24:05 – Well that was anti-climactic. The time from the boat being revealed as a stand to them being off the boat and on their way was like 2 on-screen minutes which amounts to more like 30 seconds of real time given how long they pause in this show.

25:10 – At least this guy has a motivation. The rest of the cast’s motivation seems to be “Plot says Dio is bad so I will go fight Dio.” Supposdely there’s some kind of risk related to Holly but that barely feels real at this point anyway.

27:19 – We knew that without you saying it once gain Joseph. Not all of us are as senile as you seem to be.

29:08 – This woman has what appear to be two right hands. INTRIGUE!


Thank god. I need a break from this nonsense. It’s hard to get past how little personality all of these characters have. They don’t seem to have any real motivation or differentiating characteristics to them. They just stand around saying what’s going on. Ideally you’d want each person to have a fighting style that reflects their specific personality and preferences. Instead it seems like each character just does stuff with no deeper meaning. You can get by without that when you have a ton of style but this show is completely lacking in that department as well. Holding on still shots for twice as long as you need to, like some kind of terrible Family Guy gag, is not the path to building good tension. They really didn’t get anything right with this at all. I’m falling into despair! JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure has left me in despair! I can’t believe we aren’t even halfway done. Help me.

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