JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure (2000) 02: Using Your Time Wisely

What doesn’t kill me makes me weep.

five second shot

We’re back for another exciting(?) installment of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. I was surprised by the difference in tone between the first episode of this version of JoJo and the first episode of the David Production version. I have to say I don’t think this version by APPP really captures what makes JoJo work. Even putting aside my personal aversion to standard shounen action, the people who actually like this type of thing still praise JoJo for its bombastic nature. When you take that away things become very, very boring. For this dark and brooding tone to work you really need are more chilling and dystopian premise than what we have here. Something like Psycho-Pass can use this style to great effect but even that had a lot more going on than the first episode of this. That’s not to say JoJo can’t recover, but given the reputation the 2000 version has, I have my doubts. Let’s see what we get this week:

0:29 – Wait, this is the same place we started last episode! Have I entered and endless recursion of time?

2:12 – This really is the same shit isn’t it? I guess when you have a whole seven episode OVA to work with, it’s important to waste the first 2+ minutes of every episode replaying the same boring sequence over and over. Wouldn’t want to use that time to, you know, actually move the plot forward or anything.

3:27 – Make that over three wasted minutes playing the same scenes accompanied by the same Starcraft: Brood War sounding music. Goddamnit. At least I know I’m watching the right episode now.

5:38 – FAX MACHINES! Will the technological wonders of the 1980’s ever cease?

6:03 – I didn’t realize I was getting haremshit. Maybe this won’t be so bad…

6:43 – Dude, tone it down with the ear accessories a little bit. You’re scaring the children

7:04 – I would need a gif to properly convey just how much physics just got completely trampled by this scene. 2 seconds ago, JoJo was right in front of those girls. Now he’s flying 50 feet away from them.

7:38 – Lost your footing.” That’s putting it mildly.

8:54 – Don’t do drugs kids.

9:23 – That took a turn. Possible yandere?

9:41 – Dude, I know it’s the 1980s but there’s no need to be so sexist.

9:58 – Now allow me to explain everything I’m doing right now in excruciating detail. It’s times like this were these shows hit a rough spot for me because of how thoroughly this exposition kills the tension the scene might have already had. Remember you guys, show. Don’t tell.

10:37 – Well that’s one way to deal with this problem I suppose…

12:21 – Can I make you regret dragging out this fight? God this is boring…

13:13 – Yeah, who cares about women anyway? All you need is my gentle embrace JoJo. Yeah…

14:33 – This is another thing that’s hard to convey with just screenshots but it’s amazing how slowly the action moves in these fight sequences. It feels like all the characters are in slow motion. Even then they’re running it’s like they’re running through mud. It’s all very lacking in the intensity department.

17:09 – There’s so much damn dead air in these episodes. I get the idea of pausing for dramatic effect but it’s very overused here to the point where it feels like nothing is actually happening.

21:31 – Yeah, it’s good that you got the parasite out of his head and all but maybe you should do something about the blood oozing from his scalp? Maybe? Just a though.

22:14 – DUN DUN DUN!!!! Oh wait, I haven’t been given any reason to care about this character at all. She’s just always kind of there. This doesn’t actually matter at all. I mean I guess she’s Kujo’s mom and Joseph’s daughter but I’m not sure I care about them either.

23:05 – They literally held on this shot for five seconds. Not even joking. Quality use of time here guys.

23:30 – Of course not! Girls can’t fight! Amirite?

24:43 – So let me get this straight. You’re from Egypt. You actually SAW Dio previously and mentioned it in this episode. Yet you need a grainy image of a tsetse fly to help you figure out that Dio’s in FUCKING EGYPT? What are you even doing Avdol?

24:55 – So you met Dio in Egypt too. Just like Avdol the Useless.

26:11 – Look Mr. Useless, now is not the time for card tricks.

27:17 – Shadowy guy hiding behind corners? He’s probably a good person.

And it’s finally over. God that was fucking ponderous. It feels like they’re just dragging everything out for no reason. The show is moving at about the same per episode pace as the David Production series but in 50% more air time. It’s hard to get into this all when it takes so damn long to do anything. Every still shot feels like it lasts twice as long as it needs to and every conversation feels like they’re deliberately avoiding getting to the point. Would it kill them to have a little bit of energy here? Give me something to work with instead of these repeated shots of burly men glaring at each other. I’m scared about having to deal with five more episodes of nothing happening you guys. Gotta stay strong though. You can beat this Kelloggs, believe in yourself.

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